"Fatigue makes cowards of us all"

These are what I need to get planted . . .

The title of this post is a favorite quote of mine.  It's attributed to Vince Lombardi, and I always think of it when I feel exhausted and still have much to do.  I think of it when I'm feeling depressed about looming events.  I think of it when . . . well, just about whenever.   Lately I've felt exhaustion at every turn, and I've wondered where I used to get all of the energy I once displayed (like in my 20's and 30's)  My mom keeps telling me I do too much.  Really?  That can't be it; I mean, I used to have 5 kids at home (enough said!)  I exercise regularly, try to eat healthily, and go to bed at a good time each night.  I think I might just blame it on my occupation . . .

Being a teacher of English in a middle school is not a carnival ride (except maybe if you think of it in terms of the horrors in the "fun house!")  The last month of the school year is likened to holding on to a team of runaway horses.  However, this year was no different than other years; in fact, I enjoyed my students more the last two weeks of school than I have most of the year.    No, I don't think it's just my occupation.  I think I might just blame it on the weather . . .

This spring has been the coldest one I can remember.  If it wasn't raining, drizzling, grey weather, it was so windy you couldn't open the doors of the car without them being yanked from your hands!  Sometimes it was both.  I don't do well with constantly icky weather.  What else is there to do but eat chocolate and watch T.V?  (Neither of which does much to renew or energize me . . .)  But spring is often like this.  I've lived here long enough to know that, so I don't think it's just the weather.  I think I might just blame it on all of the traveling/gad-abouting we did in May . . .

We took two trips to Utah to see family and I went once to Boise for medical reasons.  I drove my mother to Twin a few afternoons after school.  I was pretty tired after each of these events, but none of them were negative trips; all of them were enjoyable events that turned out to be wonderful moments in my life, so I don't think it's just the traveling around.  I know!  I've had the Praxis test on my mind all month!  I think I might just blame it on the stress of getting ready for the test . . .

In Idaho I'm certified to teach any and all subjects, K-8.  According to No Child Left Behind, I'm only "highly qualified" to teach Reading and English.  That's because since I began teaching I have only taught other subjects for two years;  I have so many years of experience and so many extra classes in the Language Arts field that I'm considered "highly qualified."  In order to be able to teach any other subject I must take A LOT of classes in the subject or pass a national Praxis Test.  I've had to pay a lot of money to take this test, and feeling a great need to pass it, coupled with a fear of not doing so, has created a stressful situation for me.  I've been studying often; I've learned so much more than I did taking the classes the first time in college, and I feel like I'm going to be ready, so I don't think it's just the stress of studying.  It's probably knowing I'm studying and not weeding, planting, fixing-up my yard.  I might just blame it on that . . .

What I've done so far . . .

I have a good-sized yard.  I'm aware of that.  I'm also aware of the fact that because I live in the country I'll always have dandelion seed blowing from alfalfa fields and kocia seed blowing from ditch banks.  I'm also aware of the fact that each year I set my sights on improvement projects that will take most, if not all, summer.  I look out my window and see the beauty of the flower beds and try to imagine them in order, without grass or weeds, and plan the days to water and soften the ground to pull those things.  I recognize the seemingly never-ending round of fertilize, spray, water, weed, mow, etc.  But there is something infinitely satisfying to step back from just such a schedule and sit in a chair in the shade, feeling the total sensory experience of the landscape.  No, it is not the yard work that makes me tired.  In fact, it re-creates my spirit.

Oh no!  As I finish this blog (recognizing the comment from Corey as to its length) I'm realize that maybe, just maybe my mother might have something.  I don't think I'm doing any less than I did when I had 5 kids at home.  (But no, Mom, I don't think I'm doing any more, either!)  And looking back, I don't think I had the boundless energy I like to think I had.  In fact, I think I can remember making many comments to my husband about being "so tired."  Different time, different place, different life-style; same enthusiasm to take on new things that, yes, creates that fatigue that at the end of the day has me wondering what on earth I'm doing with my life that I'm so tired.  Then I think of all things and realize tiredness is NOT fatigue of spirit.  It's just being tired.  I don't mind being tired if I get to experience all of things I do each day.